Father's Day

Ah, Father's Day: the holiday that no one is quite sure how to celebrate.

Why is it that it's so hard for us to find ways to show appreciation for our dads? Maybe I'm overgeneralizing... I know that I'm always stumped, though. Gift-giving is near to impossible. My dad himself hardly ever has a wish-list (or even a single wish), so it's hard for me to find a tangible representation of the deep love and respect I have for him.

Maybe he'll like a new...tie?

How original.

Considering that my dad rarely never wears ties, even that old standby isn't an option. Fishing and hiking gear are usually the best bet, but even knowing that, I have no idea what to get unless he tells me exactly what he wants. And if I forget to ask... well, shoot. Maybe a gift card?

I'm not exactly admitting that I forgot to ask him this year (*evasive half-smile*)... Let's just say that I found myself perusing the card aisle at Target last night, hoping to find a semi-meaningful card in which to write something at least somewhat more meaningful so that I'd have something to give him today. This is my "old standby" gift: words. They may not cost much, if anything, but they're typically more meaningful than a tie or a new fishing reel would be.

This year, though, even the card aisle failed me. It seems that Father's Day has become nothing more than a day to recognize obese fishermen, beer-loving grill masters, and perpetual flatulence. (Oh, I almost forgot--- a nicely scrolled inscription of generalized mushy sentiments was occasionally thrown in there, too.)

Is this really what fatherhood has been reduced to in our society? Is the term "dad" limited to those men who, having made their contribution(s) to the gene pool, now perpetually take up their rightful place in the La-Z-Boy? Frankly, if this is part of the American dream, I want out.

You might have guessed this already, but I left Target empty-handed last night. I couldn't justify spending $4.59 on the "best" card I could find: "Thanks for the constant source of inspiration you have always been." While that statement may ring true, it doesn't really say anything; it certainly doesn't come close to expressing how incredibly blessed I am or how drastically changed my life would be if my father weren't the true dad that he is and always has been.

My dad may be a baseball coach, fisherman, handyman, and grill master (note here my subtle avoidance of the word "flatulence"), but his role as man and father is by no means defined and/or limited by his work and hobbies. He may have a favorite chair, and he certainly enjoys time alone up in the mountains, but he willingly and readily devotes time to me, my siblings, and my incredible mother.

Most importantly, my father loves Jesus. I am absolutely certain that I would not have the relationship I have with God-- my other Father-- if it weren't for the reflection of Him that I see in my dad on a daily basis. From the time I was little, he would start deep, biblical conversations that would, to many, seem beyond a child's comprehension. Perhaps they were at times. Perhaps, though, my dad has always known that certain aspects of God are best seen through children's eyes... (And how I wish I could still see more of this life with those eyes...) Those conversations still continue. Even the conversations and convictions would be meaningless, though, if they weren't lived out.

Recently, our church had a series on the definition of-- and recognition of-- a real man per God's descriptions and examples in the Bible. At the end of those few weeks, most of the men in this church were given contract of sorts: "The Thin Red Line." It reads like this:

As a man resolved to be the man that God created and intended me to be...

I WILL... Fix my eyes on Jesus.

I WILL... Love and honor and be faithful to my wife.

I WILL... Lead out in the training and instruction of my children.

I WILL... Teach my son.

I WILL... Protect my daughter.

I WILL... Forgive myself and others for the past.

With God's presence, power, and grace...

I WILL... Never, ever, ever give up, quite, resign, or surrender my God-given call to take responsibility for my own life and the lives of the people that God has entrusted to my care.

My dad not only signed the contract: he also kept it and framed it, and he put it where virtually everyone who sets foot in our home can see it. He is utterly in love with his Creator, he is actively reminding himself of the responsibility he has, and (as my entire family and most of his peers can attest to) he's doing everything he can to carry it out.

He may not be perfect, but he is one of the most incredible, godly men and fathers that I've ever had the privilege of meeting. The fact that he's my dad is honestly overwhelming at times... I am so blessed.

Thank you for who you are and all that you do, Daddy. I know I'll never be able to fully express that in words, but that doesn't mean that I won't keep trying to tell you. Thank for loving and honoring mom, and for being every bit the father to Chris, Angela, and Patrick as you are to me. Thank you for not only protecting me from other people and things, but also for teaching me how to recognize the most harmful parts of myself. Thank you for loving our family so well, and thank you for whole-heartedly pursuing Jesus, the only one who makes any of that possible.

Happy Father's Day. I love you.

"Like a Waterfall..."

I am absolutely overwhelmed tonight. Our world and our lives may be broken and entropic, but God makes Himself present somehow in every circumstance and situation. And at times, He doesn't just gently intertwine Himself in our lives; sometimes He comes like a raging flood, tearing away our insecurities and inhibitions.

Watching hundreds of people get baptized in one night is one of those times.

How can I begin to describe the awe-filled joy that seeing that inspires in me? I have no idea to respond to the way that God is moving in and through the community of my church. It's like I'm watching Acts unfold in front of my face -- literally hundreds of people coming to Jesus, not for only their own sake, but for their desire to be completely sold out to Him because of who He is. It's the most beautiful, whole-hearted form of dedication that I can imagine, and I feel so privileged to be a witness to this unfolding of events. There's nothing better than watching people jump wholeheartedly into either the beginning or the continuation of their adventure with Jesus.

It forces me to reflect, too, on the journey God's been taking me on over the last few years...

Two years ago around this time, I was a shattered shell of a person. I was absolutely overwhelmed by depression and brokenness; I'm continuing to realize just how broken I was and how much I have healed (and how much I need to continue to heal) from that. In the back of my head, I don't think I ever really thought I would be myself again; I never dared to think that I would be genuinely happy again.

I've said before that happiness isn't everything, and I'll say it again a thousand times. Having deep-seated peace and joy in and with Christ regardless of circumstances outweighs any happiness I could ever have. I'll also say, though, that peace and joy that bubble up and manifest themselves in happiness make life really fun and really enjoyable. I've often overrated and under-appreciated happiness, I think, but it's something that I'll have a hard time taking for granted again.

In any case, I'm left absolutely speechless when I think about how far God has brought me in the last two years. He pursued me. He actually accepted my halfhearted surrender and ran away with it -- ran away with me. He convinced me that I was still worth something, even (and especially) in the moments that I felt worthless and empty and wanted to die. He slammed into me like a brick wall and left me breathless with the impact of His love. He gently made me realize how silly I had been to think that my circumstances had changed Him.

And now... beyond anything I had ever hoped and dreamed, I'm in a place of more joy and true happiness than I knew existed. I'm falling more in love with Jesus every day, and that's the foundation of it all; this happiness, though, also stems from being at the school and the church He's led me to be a part of. I didn't know that these sorts of communities and friendships could actually be a part of my life, especially in the remainder of my college experience. I had entirely given up on that hope, honestly. Knowing that God took my messy, even somewhat defiant surrender (seriously-- I think my exact words were, "FINE! But only because I don't really have another option..."), lovingly wooed me back to Himself, pulled me in the direction He wanted me to go, and eventually led me exactly to the point and place where I am now is beyond my comprehension. I'm not who I was six months ago, never mind two or three years ago (thank GOD!).

I guess I've made the decisions that have gotten me here, but I can't even take credit for those. He's the one who's told me what to do every step of the way; all I've done was follow. And honestly, I wouldn't trade a step of the journey for anything, even the messiest, ugliest, most difficult parts. I wouldn't appreciate the light so much if I weren't so intimately acquainted with darkness; and God has redeemed even the darkest of moments: I wouldn't be at CCU now if I hadn't first been at CU and then FRCC.

This is perhaps a long post to make a simple single point, but we all know that simplicity isn't nearly as simple as it might first appear to be. When I say then, that I am absolutely overwhelmed by God's goodness, you might understand a little better not only why I'm left with tears streaming down my face. And, I must say, these tears of joy are wonderfully sweet compared to those of hopelessness and despair...

 Like a waterfall of honey
Let Your love be poured out on me
Overcome me
Overcome me
 ~United Pursuit Band~

This waterfall of love is inundating me, and it's more wonderful than I can say. I know this feeling won't last forever, but I'm definitely relishing this happiness and contentment while I have it.

God is so good.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;

we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~Romans 8:18-39~

...I have a blog?

Er... Let's try that again, shall we?

Yes, I do indeed have a blog.
Sort of.

Thanks to the limited (AKA virtually nonexistent) time I've spent with it lately, my little bloglet has been left unkempt as a hippie rocker's hairdo. These things don't write themselves, apparently, which makes sense considering the fact that they're inanimate pixelated objects. In any case, I haven't sat down with Mr. Bloglet for almost two months now, and I've missed it.

The last couple of months have been decidedly, wonderfully busy. I moved in with my brother and sister-in-law halfway through August and started school at Colorado Christian University a few days later. Between being a full time music student, a worship team member, a college ministry team leader, and a part-time babysitter and self-employee, I haven't exactly had a lot of time for extra projects and activities! I wouldn't trade it for the world, though: this is the happiest I've been day-to-day in a long time. I'll be the first to say that happiness isn't everything -- peace is worlds better -- but happiness in conjunction with peace is absolutely priceless.

In many ways, it's utterly overwhelming for me to be at a school like CCU. If I'm being honest, I had completely given up the dream, even the idea, of having a truly enjoyable college experience. After the last two years, I just assumed that any college I attended would be nothing but a means to an end: I'd stay in only as long as necessary to get my degree, than get out. The thing that amazes me, then, is this: from the first week that I set foot on CCU campus, I felt like I was a part of something there -- a community, a body of believers, a network of friendships and relationships. I'm still a new face, and I'm still getting to know people and be known by them; but I'm still a part of it all, and that floors me. Finishing college is still a means to an end in some respects, but for once I don't dread and/or regret that means. I'm actually in a place where I am learning rather than being forced to memorize and regurgitate political agendas; I'm surrounded by a community of people who want to run after Jesus with me and build me up rather than try to reshape and redefine the core of my identity.

It's funny... In many ways, being here is forcing me to realize how deeply affected I was by the semester I spent at CU in Boulder. I don't say that to bash the school in any way; my experience there really had little to do with the school. I do know, though, that I was in a terribly broken, dark place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually when I was there (although I was, strangely, at peace). Back then my saving grace was God's making me realize that denying my brokenness, my fear, and my utmost dependence on Him was killing me (and I don't say that lightly); I'm realizing more and more that it doesn't do me any good to deny that the memories and the residue of that experience are still with me and still affect the way I think and live. I don't think it's possible to be in a place of total fear and depression and not be radically changed by it, even if the ultimate change was and is for the better.

I know I'm rambling. All I mean to say through all of that is that I am inexpressibly grateful to be where I am physically, mentally, and emotionally right now. I wouldn't have appreciated the environments I'm in (especially CCU) right after high school nearly as much as I do now. The presence of God in these places is indescribable...

Life is wonderful. Life in the truest sense of the word is utterly joyous.
Regardless of that, though, and regardless of how I'm feeling or not feeling in any given moment,
God is in control. And He hasn't let me go.
He is good.

I think I'm in love...