...I have a blog?

Er... Let's try that again, shall we?

Yes, I do indeed have a blog.
Sort of.

Thanks to the limited (AKA virtually nonexistent) time I've spent with it lately, my little bloglet has been left unkempt as a hippie rocker's hairdo. These things don't write themselves, apparently, which makes sense considering the fact that they're inanimate pixelated objects. In any case, I haven't sat down with Mr. Bloglet for almost two months now, and I've missed it.

The last couple of months have been decidedly, wonderfully busy. I moved in with my brother and sister-in-law halfway through August and started school at Colorado Christian University a few days later. Between being a full time music student, a worship team member, a college ministry team leader, and a part-time babysitter and self-employee, I haven't exactly had a lot of time for extra projects and activities! I wouldn't trade it for the world, though: this is the happiest I've been day-to-day in a long time. I'll be the first to say that happiness isn't everything -- peace is worlds better -- but happiness in conjunction with peace is absolutely priceless.

In many ways, it's utterly overwhelming for me to be at a school like CCU. If I'm being honest, I had completely given up the dream, even the idea, of having a truly enjoyable college experience. After the last two years, I just assumed that any college I attended would be nothing but a means to an end: I'd stay in only as long as necessary to get my degree, than get out. The thing that amazes me, then, is this: from the first week that I set foot on CCU campus, I felt like I was a part of something there -- a community, a body of believers, a network of friendships and relationships. I'm still a new face, and I'm still getting to know people and be known by them; but I'm still a part of it all, and that floors me. Finishing college is still a means to an end in some respects, but for once I don't dread and/or regret that means. I'm actually in a place where I am learning rather than being forced to memorize and regurgitate political agendas; I'm surrounded by a community of people who want to run after Jesus with me and build me up rather than try to reshape and redefine the core of my identity.

It's funny... In many ways, being here is forcing me to realize how deeply affected I was by the semester I spent at CU in Boulder. I don't say that to bash the school in any way; my experience there really had little to do with the school. I do know, though, that I was in a terribly broken, dark place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually when I was there (although I was, strangely, at peace). Back then my saving grace was God's making me realize that denying my brokenness, my fear, and my utmost dependence on Him was killing me (and I don't say that lightly); I'm realizing more and more that it doesn't do me any good to deny that the memories and the residue of that experience are still with me and still affect the way I think and live. I don't think it's possible to be in a place of total fear and depression and not be radically changed by it, even if the ultimate change was and is for the better.

I know I'm rambling. All I mean to say through all of that is that I am inexpressibly grateful to be where I am physically, mentally, and emotionally right now. I wouldn't have appreciated the environments I'm in (especially CCU) right after high school nearly as much as I do now. The presence of God in these places is indescribable...

Life is wonderful. Life in the truest sense of the word is utterly joyous.
Regardless of that, though, and regardless of how I'm feeling or not feeling in any given moment,
God is in control. And He hasn't let me go.
He is good.

I think I'm in love...